QUARTER LIFE CRISIS: I never thought it would feel like this

Lola Rosy is that one person I fear of when I was a child. She has this kontrabida Cherrie Gil vibe that makes me very uncomfortable. Her white permed hair tells me she's someone above everyone in the neighborhood and she's more than just my grandmother; she's a health worker rockstar and the wife of the barangay captain (My Lolo). Lola Elsa is the opposite. She has the smell of baby powder, gas, and wood that obviously came from relentlessly scrubbing our wooden floor. She hates bugs and mites and she makes the best smelling sinangag ever. Tita Merly, is my ever caring and youthful lola. She doesn't want to be tagged as Lola thus the word Tita. Well, she deserves all the rights to that because of her undeniably YOLO vibe. I remember seeing her face glow as she swings her hips and dance to the groove of pop music back when we used to have family reunions. Growing up with my grandmothers made me a "Lola's Boy". I remember how I give them headache's and heartaches from stealing money, my cousin's toys, and ulam (oh that pritong galunggong), hiding inside the cabinet and messing the clothes, escaping the house premise during their forbidden time, keeping a snake, taking care of frogs, skipping elementary, and much more. I may not be their favorite apo, but what can they do? They've no choice but to take care of me back then. Now that I've grown up, I don't know how I can turn back the favor.  If only I have a magical wand that can give them back their youth, I would, but all I have now is this situation. 

I'm no longer young, I'm broke, not dumb, but I'm still BROKE. I depend on my vlog's income (oh that vlog gives me nightmare) and photography and video editing sidelines which is obviously not a passive source of income. You might tell me to get a job and be wise with my money, but hey I did! I'm just not successful with it so I'm letting it be. I'm learning from all the shits I've been to and now I'm moving forward; I just never thought it would be this hard. 

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I've been depressed. I wake up every morning tired and feels like I don't want to go on with my whole day. I have dark thoughts and stories in my brain which I translated into screenplays, but never had the drive to finish it. I cry with simple things like seeing an old tree. WTF I know! I'm always trying to be creative, but I'm never satisfied. I don't know how to. I no longer know why, or if I needed to be satisfied. I feel dead inside and I'm trying to find ways to express the scent of this rotten life. I hate vibrant people and their instagram feeds. I hate to mingle with Tupperware bloggers (which I used to be so I hate myself for that) in every event. Oh yeah, I don't usually get invites and when I do they don't even notice me so... my bad, but hey, most of them don't even have a blog and if they do, it doesn't feel like one! And yes! I'm intimidated as fuck because they have thousands of followers because they look good, they look better, they don't look dumb, they don't look broke. And there's a big possibility that they are not broke as me. I am always hard on myself. I don't finish my goals. I know my faults and the solutions to it, but I'm DEMOTIVATED. If this is what adulting feels like, I would say I never wanted it, but I'll sure cherish every bit of it once I got out of this fucking phase. Yes, I see this as a phase. Another dumb idea but that's the only thing that I have for now. The idea that everyone's boat sinks and they have to swim their way up to survive. Good thing I know how to swim, figuratively and literally, but until when will I swim in this mess of an ocean?

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All I think of when I was a child was to grow old so I can do whatever I want, but I was wrong. It's harder because of all the limitations I have instilled in my brain. Erasing them one-by-one is like erasing a chalkboard full of notes. Every wipe leaves dust that'll soon taint the whole board. It feels like I've got a lot of failings to do now. I may be old for it but hey, the chances are limitless for people who try. 

I don't want to grow old not knowing my potentials and what I can be. I wish it's not too late for me. I wish my Lolas will live more to see me succeed. I wish I can drive them around so they can relive their youthful days. I wish I can correct their view about my parents being separated and how it helped me become a better person. I wish I don't lose much energy and drive so I can entertain them more. If only there's a reset button.


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